The Nightlight

Thoughts before bed

image-15

“As I’ve always said My Lady,” The Shoes said. “In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take.”

Her Lady laughed. “You say that to me a million times a day.” she said. “Which is exactly why I’m the person I am now.”

There was a pause. Her Lady could tell that The Shoes genuinely cared for her, quite a silly thing to say but it was the truth nonetheless.

“Because I do not want you to live a life with regrets, with what ifs.” The Shoes said. “That is the most miserable thing in the world.”

image-14

“I do not think that running away-again-is a good idea, my Lady.” the shoes said.

“We’re not running away.” Her Lady replied quickly, defending her decision. She looked out the window, taking in the small scene of the blue, green, and gray beautifully put together. It has been some time since she has last seen the city. She also never imagined that it was possible to see even grass in the urban area. Madame always said that it was not possible, that the city is a dirty place, with no hint of nature. Her Lady now knew how wrong she was.

“You are expected by the nobles next week.” the shoes continued to say, “it is only necessary that you prepare.”

“And I have.” she snapped. “For the past two months since I was taken back to the mansion.”

The shoes knew that it was time to stop pressing. Irritating her would only make her go further from the mansion, and as much as the shoes wanted her to be away from the poison that she had no choice but to call her home, going away at this time would simply mean trouble. “We’re simply taking a breather.” she said and proceeded to take a nap.

 

image-13

“It has been a while, my Lady.” the shoes said. “I have not seen the outside since months ago.”

“I have been too pre-occupied, you know that.” she replied.

Her Lady kept her head high. She was out of the mansion once again, but this time she was not free. There was an important task at hand and it could mean disaster if she would run away again.

“You have yet to stretch your limits.” the shoes reminded her.

“I know.” she replied, looking up at the trees that were so alive as they blocked the view of the afternoon sun. “Just stay by me, then I’ll be alright. I promise.”

 

image-12

Her Lady kept traveling until they reached a rather more developed town. It was much more noisier than home, and quite a big difference compared to the other town they were previously in. There were dozens of tall buildings solely dedicated for business use, streets that always seemed to never be out of cars and people, everyone was rushing here and there.

“It has occurred to me, my Lady, if you don’t mind me saying,” started the shoes, “That you do not wish to settle at all.” They then stopped for a quick rest under a roof.

“If I had wished to settle, then I would have never left home.” Her Lady replied. “But I left. Because I am tired of being contented. I wanted to grow. How can I inspire people if I keep myself locked inside the whole day?”

 

image-11

“Amusing.” said the old and worn out shoes. “Although I have observed that people here do prefer to not eat vegetables at all.”

Her Lady giggled. “Perhaps we encountered the wrong crowd.” she said.

They have walked up to the other end of the new town, and Her Lady did not look like she was pleased with it.

“I have noticed that you have kept a straight face throughout our journey here, my Lady.” the shoes said.

The comment made Her Lady self-conscious. She did not mean for her feelings to be that obvious.

“I understand that to be a properly lady, one must always look pleased with whatever she is presented with, but as a normal human being I personally find that hard to do right now.”

 

Image 10.jpg

“This is a quaint town, my Lady.” the shoes said.

They traveled far. Far enough that at long last they have reached beyond the borders of the only town Her Lady knows.

“It is.” Her Lady replied.

“Quite a refreshing view compared to the one you had on your balcony.” the old and worn out shoes continued to say.

“Indeed.” said Her Lady and continued to stare out.

She had been quiet for a while, so the shoes decided to speak up. “Is anything the matter?” he asked.

Her Lady smiled, thoughts and memories clouding up in her mind, “Nothing.” she began to say. “It is just that I never thought that I would be able to come this far.”

Image 9.jpg

“Comfortable choice of footwear, my Lady.” the shoes said as he was being carried by Her Lady.

It was summer and the weather could not be hotter. Her Lady dressed in the best summer clothes that she had brought along with her.

“Although I do say that I am better.” the shoes continued.

“Oh hush.” she said. “You are different, there is no reason to compare.”

Image 8.jpg

Her Lady stepped inside the building that was once her palace. It smelled of old paper and wood, a scent that was very nostalgic for her.

“Where are we going next, my Lady?” the shoes asked.

Her Lady took a few more steps onto the newly polished and waxed marble floor before responding, “To the next chapter.”

Image 7.jpg

“Don’t you miss home, my Lady?” asked her old and worn out shoes in a tiresome tone. They rested for a bit, letting the summer breeze mess Her Lady’s hair.

“I do,” replied Her Lady, “but if I stay all my life inside four walls, then how can I properly understand life?”

The Nightlight Series: Beauty, part 2

I know that I focus too much on the other stuff, but that does not mean that I do not think about my appearance.

Yes. I’ve heard it over and over again, physical appearance fades, its what’s inside that matters. What if I’m not beautiful outside and also inside? What kind of ugliness do I possess then?

How do I know if people really like me for who I am? What if they’re talking about me behind my back saying really mean things that all that’s left to do is to kill me?

I’m such a hypocrite. I admit. For saying to others that “looks don’t matter”, or that “I don’t really think of myself as ugly” because in reality it is my biggest insecurity. My looks. How others looks at me. How they think of me. Do I look fat? I should look slim, smart, decent, pretty, and happy. But it doesn’t end there. My insecurities doesn’t just end on my looks. I think to myself that if I want to look smart, I also have to be smart, so I have this constant urge to always make sure that I get high grades. I think to myself that if I want to look like a nice and sweet girl, I have to look the part. I have to be nice to everyone, I have to reach out to others. It’s a need. It’s my need. For me to be happy.

But at the end of the day, because of my struggle on wanting to be smart, I end up getting uglier because I haven’t gotten to take care of myself. At the end of the say, pleasing everyone didn’t really make me happy, it just tired me even more.

Am I ugly now? Because reaching out, as much as I am genuinely enjoying it, I’ve realized isn’t really my thing? That when I come home the first thing that I think about is how tired I am?

Am I ugly now? Because all I really cared about is how people see me on the outside? That the reason I’m pushing myself to the limit when it comes to school is because I’m trying so hard to hold on to this status that I was able to build and not really learn?

Am I ugly now? Because the reason I act all nice and girly is because I want people to notice me? I want to please them, to make sure that I’m always on their good side?

How ugly I am. Both inside and most especially out.

How selfish I am. The passion to serve has died.The fire of the mission has died. And I think that no matter what training I go to, when I go home, it won’t be the mission I’ll be thinking about, busying myself about.

How selfish I am, to want to be beautiful. I’m such a hypocrite to say that I don’t care about my looks.

I’m worried on these kinds of things, that is why I am ugly.

Goodnight.