The Nightlight Series: Beauty, part 2

by ThoughtEncoder

I know that I focus too much on the other stuff, but that does not mean that I do not think about my appearance.

Yes. I’ve heard it over and over again, physical appearance fades, its what’s inside that matters. What if I’m not beautiful outside and also inside? What kind of ugliness do I possess then?

How do I know if people really like me for who I am? What if they’re talking about me behind my back saying really mean things that all that’s left to do is to kill me?

I’m such a hypocrite. I admit. For saying to others that “looks don’t matter”, or that “I don’t really think of myself as ugly” because in reality it is my biggest insecurity. My looks. How others looks at me. How they think of me. Do I look fat? I should look slim, smart, decent, pretty, and happy. But it doesn’t end there. My insecurities doesn’t just end on my looks. I think to myself that if I want to look smart, I also have to be smart, so I have this constant urge to always make sure that I get high grades. I think to myself that if I want to look like a nice and sweet girl, I have to look the part. I have to be nice to everyone, I have to reach out to others. It’s a need. It’s my need. For me to be happy.

But at the end of the day, because of my struggle on wanting to be smart, I end up getting uglier because I haven’t gotten to take care of myself. At the end of the say, pleasing everyone didn’t really make me happy, it just tired me even more.

Am I ugly now? Because reaching out, as much as I am genuinely enjoying it, I’ve realized isn’t really my thing? That when I come home the first thing that I think about is how tired I am?

Am I ugly now? Because all I really cared about is how people see me on the outside? That the reason I’m pushing myself to the limit when it comes to school is because I’m trying so hard to hold on to this status that I was able to build and not really learn?

Am I ugly now? Because the reason I act all nice and girly is because I want people to notice me? I want to please them, to make sure that I’m always on their good side?

How ugly I am. Both inside and most especially out.

How selfish I am. The passion to serve has died.The fire of the mission has died. And I think that no matter what training I go to, when I go home, it won’t be the mission I’ll be thinking about, busying myself about.

How selfish I am, to want to be beautiful. I’m such a hypocrite to say that I don’t care about my looks.

I’m worried on these kinds of things, that is why I am ugly.